The Ultimate Kiddush

You know that starving feeling after shachris on Shabbos? It’s especially severe if you are a guest somewhere. I’ve been so hungry during davening so many times that sometimes I think about food during my davening; I fantasize about the kiddush. I also plan on how I am going to beat about the rest of the chazerim at all the different tables. When you’re a kid, you can take a plate and stuff it before or during kiddush. When you’re in your mid-30’s like I am, it makes you look like a chazar. If you are a guest and you pre-plan your plate, they will think you are a Major League schnorrer.

Either way, I’ve prepared a post which outlines my PERFECT kiddush.

Herring/gefelte fish and crackers: This is always the first step, especially if you’re so frum that you hold that you have to make a mezonos before digging into the hot stuff. I don’t really like herring that much, but I eat it because frum people will think you’re a pussy if you don’t like it. This also goes for charrain (horse raddish) and hard alcohol. I always hope I’ll develop a taste for that stuff, just like I hope to develop a taste for 3 day yom tovs without showering.

Kugels: I realize we can probably write an entire anthology with pages and pages of perushim dedicated to kugels, but when I’m at a kiddush I like to have some sweet lockshin keeegel WITHOUT RAISINS (raisins are the pulp and seeds of kugel). I also like potato kugel and broccoli kugel, but now I hear that frum Jews don’t eat so much broccoli.

Cold Cuts: Alright, this is pushing it. I’m not the biggest fan of cold cuts but, when you’re starving, it’s always good to take 1 piece of each to cover all your bases. I sometimes like to mix them into my….

CHULENT!: The holy grail of Orthodox Judaism. Being frum is worth it just to eat good chulent on Shabbos during your first meal of the day. I’m not going to write about what makes a good chulent because that’s like writing about the perfect shidduch (to each his/her own), but I will say this: there’s something empowering about standing around shul with all your rich friends, everybody dressed in great suits, talking about politics, investments, and vacations, while eating hot chulent out of a plastic bowl with a plastic spoon. I will always maintain that the best chulents contain Kishka.

Miscellaneous: To some folks salads and side dishes make the meal. Cucumber salad, coleslaw, potato salad, chopped liver, bean salad, and pasta salad are always great. I don’t go for the pastries when there is so much real food around.

Drinks: I’m not going to write about alcohol because the last thing we want to do is promote something that could lead to illicit thoughts on shabbos. As great as it is to eat when you’re starving, it feels so good to wash it all down with some soda. Hopefully the stuff is cold, as I know some shuls consider ice to be in cherem. Some shuls abuse the drinks table to the point where it looks like a public bathroom – – – wet with napkins (and crumbs) everywhere.

Bonus: If at any time there are pigs in a blanket, mini-shish kabob, shnitzel, chicken wings, chicken fingers, or BEER, it is appropriate to jump for joy. I recall the a certain giant shul on Clark is notorious for its egg-rolls.

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Posted on January 30, 2012, in Kiddush, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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