Scary Jewish stuff and other freaky spirits

This religion is filled with tons of threats. You have to perform certain actions or face the consequences. There are also some other supernatural elements in this religion that are quite scary.

Here are the top 5 things that frighten the crap out of me in Judaism:

1) Kares: This could mean you die young (with no kids), or your soul gets cut off from the rest of klal yisroel in the World to Come. Our whole religion is based on the World to Come and the rewards coupled with it; it would be a shame to piss it all away just because you want to have sex with your needa wife (and can’t wait another 12 days) or eat a karban on the third day after it’s brought. My yetzer hara for eating blood and sacrificing my children to the fire G-d is as large as anyone’s, but transgressing some of the optional commandments (like eating chametz on pesach) isn’t worth getting kares for.

2) Sheidim: oy gevalt! We’ve all heard those stories about the sheidim and dybbuks. These guys are dangerous. They are worse than schnorrers because at least you can close your eyes when you see schnorrers approach you during your intense davening, and then they won’t bother you. I heard that sheidim actually attack your clothes when you whistle; you have thousands on either of your sides (like Arabs, I guess).

3) Malachim: I know what you’re thinking: how can angels be so bad? Well, you didn’t know that every time you are about to go into the bathroom you have to look to your left and right and say, “excuse me”. Malachim are with you at all times. ALL times.

4) Malach Hamaves: Sure, the Gemara writes about how different Rabbis actually had chill-fests with the Malach Hamaves, but the details of death are scary and quite comprehensive. Apparently the Malach Hamaves has a spear or staff with poison, and he drops the poison into your mouth before you die. Don’t fret, however, because he can be stopped: one of the Rabbis once stole the Malach Hamaves’ death stick and ran into Heaven.

5) Ruach Rah: If you don’t wash negel vasser after you wake up, everything you touch turns into….not gold. If you touch your eyes without washing, you can go blind. You’re not supposed to touch food either. I don’t get what’s so special about the fingertips. I can honestly say I’ve washed my hands 3-4 times in a span of 2 minutes in order to make sure I wasn’t sinning, and here’s how it went: I washed when I woke up, 30 seconds later after I used the bathroom (I heard you shouldn’t combine those 2 washings); I washed again 20 seconds later before eating bread, and then one more time for the mayim achronim after I had the kazayis of bread. That has to be some sort of record.

What things scare you?

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Posted on December 1, 2011, in Jewish Words, Orthodoxy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Bobby Orr-Somayach

    Things that scare me:
    1) Shadchans
    2) Israeli water
    3) exam time at York U (possible terrorist attack)
    4) Chassidish chicks bold enough to show of their Howie Mandel-esque haircuts
    5) Rabbi’s speech on shabbos when we’re all waiting to get to the next #greatcanadiancholentcookoff

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  2. Frum From Bathurst

    1) Yeshivish/Kollel Folk
    2) Self-appointed b’aalei mussar (see above)
    3) Long walks to shul in the freezing cold/pouring rain (hot weather I can manage)
    4) Shidduch dates (whether set up by friends or that self-appointed relationship expert who’s just looking for some cash)
    5) Actually having to man up and admitting that your rabbis were right all along and thus forcing you to actually do something more productive with your life…

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  3. 1) Fear itself

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