The following is a list of aveiros which aren’t so clear to me along with my twisted ways of condoning my actions.1) Ripping on Shabbos: Some say you can’t rip words. Others say if you rip paper-towel to be sure to do it along the designated lines so that it’s not destroying. I heard once that you’re supposed to rip away from the lines because you’re not allowed to destroy something which was already created for that purpose of destruction. Regarding tearing toilet paper, however, I paskind that it was mutar for sanitation purposes due to the mitzvah of “v’nishmartem es nafshoseichem”.
2) Moving something muktzeh if you need the space: I was shocked when I saw a frum friend of mine move a laptop on shabbos because it was on the table. I felt like such a douche bag when I said condescendingly that it wasn’t allowed. She told me it was, in fact, allowed if you needed the room. Almost 2 decades of religious education and I never heard that before.That’s right, a chick out-halachad me. That’s my punishment for talking to girls. On shabbos. About halacha.
3) Writing one letter on shabbos: Maybe this is straight up kefira, but I remember learning somewhere that you are allowed to write one letter on shabbos. Isn’t the utensil assur to move on shabbos (unless you need the space)?I guess it was alright that time I finally figured out what number to get on my jersey and I wrote it down on shabbos so I wouldn’t forget it. I used a shinui of course just to cover all my bases and to go beyond the letter of the law, no pun intended. Are numbers alright instead of letters?
4) Showering in an apartment on shabbos: I heard this is allowed because the heating tank is on anyways. I asked some body this and he said you can do this only if the majority of the tenants are goyim because it’s as if the water is cooking just for them. This brings up the point of showering with cold water on shabbos – – – you just can’t use a towel afterward. I’m sure that’s a pretty sweet tradeoff for the ability to get clean after getting all sweaty Friday night. Not because of that you sicko, we’re trying to learn halacha here!
5) Kli sheni: WTF? I heard if you pump the water out of the kettle it’s like a kli sheni anyways.
6) Benching over a kos/ mayim achronim: Some say each is a halacha, others say minhag. Does anybody really know? In case Rav Elyashiv is reading this, I will request that he answer this one at the bottom because I’m tired of having to drink a wh0le freaking cup of grape juice when I’m full followed by an al hamichya specifically for grapes. It’s juice! A nefashos should suffice. Since when are grapes so holy?
7) Using liquid soap on shabbos: I saw some sefardi bathrooms which had liquid soap with little pieces inside of it. At first touch it’s weird, but then you gotta wash forever just to make sure all the little pieces come off your hand. If we can’t dry, how come we can dry our hands after washing?
8) Kiddush/Havdallah spilling: I never understood this one. Is it halacha? Isn’t it bal tashchis? If we took all the money wasted on spilled grape juice, there would probably be no tuition crisis and no shiddach crisis (the two are intertwined because we all know that the top learners are the ones who get all the babes).
9) Tefilin all day: If you’re reading this, the odds are you live off this koola. You can still get credit for tefilin even if you wake up late, and boy do the words “Kel RACHUM V’chanun” take on new meaning.